Lately I have been wondering what I have to “give” to my sons. What talents do I have to share w/ them or pass on to them? Chad gives them the gift of music and dreams and athletic talents. I’m not trying to sound pathetic, but I really do not know what I have to give them. Yes, I give them unconditional love and a safe place to be who they are meant to be. But as far real talents, I’m coming up empty right now. What I really DON’T want to pass on to them is my penchant for retreating, quitting, or being overwhelmed so easily.

This is why I don’t make resolutions. If I make them and do not follow through, I feel like a major failure so it is better not to put myself in that situation at all. So I am looking at the new year as an open book of what could be and praying I can find the courage to be a better me.

I have watched him shoot up. I have heard him process and pretend more. I have seen the wheels turning in his head whilst he is figuring something out, plotting new adventures and figuring out his place in this wide wide world. He stalls at bedtime, connives at mealtimes, cajoles at bathtime. But mainly, he continues to steal my heart daily.

Someone asked me once how long I would call him “Baby ‘lijah”, especially once his brother got here. Just last week during bedtime prayer time I noticed I had stopped saying, “Thank you, Lord for my Baby ‘Lijah” and was saying, “Thank you for my sweet Elijah.” Just like that, he is a baby no longer. Not sure I can handle it, but I can revel in his amazing little self!

Happy birthday, my precious precious son!!

The Butcher: That doesn’t sound great at first, but hear me out. This man started it all. He has been the provider. Provider for food and physical needs, provider of shelter, provider of guidance but overall a provider of legacy. By being an amazing daddy to my mama. By being a godly example to my daddy. By being the ideal grandaddy to me. This man is adored by his family, young and old alike. He has set all our feet on a path of love, peace and grace.

The Baker: This man continues the legacy. He took what was given to him and kneaded it, flattened it, rolled it over and over and cut out an amazing heart. A warm and tender heart who cannot stand to see others in pain or need. A giving heart who takes such great care of his family. A safe heart because we know he is bringing us before the Lord in prayer every day. A child-like heart, who believes every grandchild deserves ice-cream and cake no matter how old or young they are.

The Candlestick Maker: This one, oh this one. This one brought music in my life and light to my being. A man I could walk in the Lord with. A man whose heart leads me into the throne room on God. By the world’s standards, he has every excuse to be a distant father. Or not even a father at all. But he has always broken the cycle, the trend. He is a sweet and gentle and loving father. He plays guitar for his children to dance to and sings silly songs and puts castle tents together. Everything he missed as a child, he pours into our boys. He is creating the instruments that will hold their light high one day. He is an amazing Dada.

Happy Father’s Day!! 2011

As I make breakfast for my little ones and myself, I grieve.

As I watch my boys play with their cousins, laughing and teasing and chasing, I grieve.

As I clean my house so I can welcome many friends after a long break, I grieve.

I grieve for two wives. One whose best friend and love is gone too soon, just as life was starting for them. One whose best friend is gone after years of love and friendship. One lost to a disease, one lost to a decision. Neither easy to take. Both tragic and heartbreaking.

I grieve for four children. One little boy who doesn’t understand why he can’t go to heaven with his daddy now. One daughter about to wed without her beloved father to walk her down the aisle. One daughter about to bring her first joy of life into the world, wondering if the child’s grandfather will be a part. One son coming to grips with his mother slipping away as his first daughter will be born soon. Two lost to a disease. Two lost to a decision.

I grieve for friendships. Friendships built on love, respect and faith, torn down and carelessly thrown away. Admiration tarnished. Faithfulness abandoned. Lost to a decision.

I grieve for sin. Sin that is the cause of all grief because it separates us from our Maker and Father. Sin, a result of a decision.

But I know that joy will come. It will come because of Who has defeated sin. Because of Who loves us, enough to die for us. His joy will overcome disease, defiance, decisions. But today I grieve for all that is lost.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle,
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle,
Little sack of sugar
I could eat you up.

You have been a little mystery since we first saw your little heartbeat. What were we going to do with 2? Would be able to share clothes or have to buy a whole new wardrobe? Would you be anything like your brother?

Hey, hey, hey,
You’re my little sack of sugar
Ho! Ho! Ho!
My little sack of sweet.

Hee, hee, hee,
My pretty little angel.
So pretty, pretty, pretty
I could eat your feet

From the minute I held you and saw your curly hair, I was smitten again. So sweet, so sunny, so gentle. You look just like your Dada with the same nose as your brother. I don’t remember a lot about your first few days, but I remember feeling more confident than I had before. I knew you were mine. Then something terrible happened – the world around us filled with water and we could only watch and wait. I held you close and thanked the Father for bringing you before all that happened and for keeping us safe.

Hey, hey, hey,
My little honey-bunny
Ho! Ho! Ho!
My little turtle dove.

Hee, hee, hee,
My little sack of ‘taters.
So pretty, pretty, pretty
I could eat your toes

To be very honest, your first few months were a bit blurry too. I was trying to figure out how to take care of you and your wild brother. I remember we spent a lot of time in our jammies! Sweet friends came and helped and sat with us and loved on you!!

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle,
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle,
Little sack of sugar
I could eat you up.

You were a lot noisier than your brother at night! You wiggled and talked and kept us up. You got a room to yourself once you would sleep for 5 hrs. straight! Your hair fell out and came back in blonde! I prayed and prayed your eyes would stay blue like your Dada’s and they have! Now everyone claims they look just like someone in our family. Who ever would have thought I would have had a blonde haired, blue eyed baby?

Hey, hey, hey,
My tootsie wootsie.
Rangle,tangle, dangle,
You’re my honey in a tree.

Ho! Ho! Ho!
My butterfly-flitters,
So pretty, pretty, pretty
I could eat your nose.

Your growing has seemed so fast!! It is probably because I have been more worried about keeping you alive with a very active big brother than taking note of milestones. But every time you reach one, sitting up or standing or getting teeth, it takes me by surprise and I cry more than a little. But you light up my sadness with your amazing smile and your sweet cuddles. You are my cuddle bug. Holding tight to me or Dada while you examine the world. You are our little feeler. You wear your heart on your sleeve and we never have to wonder what is going on in your head.

Goo goo google
and a coo and a cuddle
Kick your foot like a bicycle pedal
Pretty little hoe down
And a one eyed frog
So pretty pretty pretty 
I could gobble you whole

So my precious, on your first birthday, which I have of course been late in recording, I celebrate your love of music, dancing, cars & trucks, pulling my hair, smiling, tubby baths with brubber and how much love and joy you have brought to our life and my heart. You are my sweet little sack of sugar and I can always eat you up!! Happy 1st year my precious baby! Your mama loves you so!

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle,
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
Little sack of sugar 
I could eat you up.

“Little Sack of Sugar” lyrics by Woody Guthrie

Xa’s 1st Year! from Jen Jarnagin on Vimeo.

“Its a Big World” Lyrics and Music by Renee Stahl & Jeremy Toback

Hi! I am Jennifer and I am a worrier. Everyone say, “Hi Jennifer” in your best therapy group voice

My amazing husband, Chad, and I got married in 2003. I was an elementary school teacher at the time w/ NO designs of having kids any time soon and we didn’t… for 5 years. For the majority of that time, I was fine w/ it being just us. We traveled and went on tons of dates and spent time w/ friends. But then the bug hit me. I realized I wanted to have kids. At one point in time I wanted to have 2 before I was 30. Well, I was hurtling towards 30 and we hadn’t even discussed it. I would drop hints and casually bring it up but Chad wasn’t thinking the same way. He needed time to process and I was already there so I started to worry. FYI~ I come from a long line of worriers so I come by it honestly. I worried he didn’t want kids ever. I worried I was getting too old to have kids. I worried we might not be able to have kids. It got so bad that I spiraled into a really dark place. Worry really will rob your joy and life. The Father dealt with me gently and patiently. I know now that He held me close the entire time, waiting for me to calm down and listen to His reassurances.

We did eventually get on the same page, that is a whole other story of redemption, and started trying to get pregnant Fall of ’06. I thought it would be very easy b/c it had been that way for both of my sisters, but after 8 months, the worry started again. And b/c you don’t ever worry about the same thing the same way twice, it brought all new kinds of baggage. Anger at Chad for making us wait so long, jealousy of my sisters and friends for having an easy time, thoughts that I was somehow being punished for some kind of sin. All craziness that once again the Lord pulled me out of so patiently and gently.

Fall of ’07 I found out I was pregnant. I was so thrilled and so was Chad. We found out around Thanksgiving and wanted to wait to tell our family at Christmas, Of course I was secretly worried. Now that I had what I had been dreaming of I couldn’t just relax and enjoy it. No, now I had to worry that something bad would happen. I was determined that beside family, I was going to keep this to ourselves until the 22 week mark, That way if something did happen, I wouldn’t have too many people to explain to. Looking back now, how sad it is. I know so many people who had been praying for me who would have loved to celebrate God’s gift, but I deprived myself and them that moment. Of course eventually we shared our news, when I felt it was safe and I really did my best to enjoy being pregnant. We chose not to have all the prescreenings for birth defects done. We said it wouldn’t matter to us and knowing myself, if they aren’t 100% accurate, I would worry myself to death. But of course, I still secretly worried what if something was wrong. Then the closer to my due date a whole new set of worries set in. Worry about the whole birthing process, worry about anesthesia and pitocin, worry about not being able to give birth and having to have a c-section. And if that happened, worry I wouldn’t bond w/ my baby or be able to breastfeed. And on and on and on. I robbed myself of some precious quiet moments with all that nonsense. My precious Elijah made his entrance Aug. 5, 2008, a week after his due date. Truthfully, some of my fears did come to pass. I did end up having to have a csection. I did have a bad reaction to the anesthesia. I did have trouble breastfeeding at first. Elijah was jaundiced so we had a longer stay in the hospital. You really don’t want to know what this crazy is like on drugs. But once again, the Father dealt w/ me gently and assured me in that still, soft voice and I got through it. I was a little crazy, but I got through it.

What He really showed me was what He had given me – a perfect, healthy, beautiful son and the all the time in the world to spend with him, getting to know him and marveling at him. Then it hit me. Thankfulness is the opposite of worry. You might be thinking, DUH! but really, that thought has not occurred to me. It was amazing! I now knew how to combat my worry! Count my blessings- 1 Thessalonians 5:18- “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the Lord’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Now, have I given up worrying? No, it is my demon to wrestle with, probably for life. My story could go on for days. Have I worried about all things Elijah and now my 9 month old, Xavier? You betcha! Xavier’s birth worries were even more ridiculous! But what I have learned is simple and I need simple. Don’t listen to that worrying voice. It doesn’t matter what happened to and for other people, those are their stories. Give thanks always and you can’t worry. Don’t allow yourself to be robbed of the joys of life by the what-ifs. And if you are continually thanking God, those things are seen for what they truly are, thieves.

“You’re my squishy-wishy cheeks, My tickle toes, button-nose, My giggles, squeals and squeaks!!”

*You’re My Little Love Bug- Heidi Weimer

Christmas has come and gone, but it was wonderful! Elijah was really into the Christmas lights. Every time we got in the car it was, “Lights. Where are you lights? Oh! Mama! Lights pretty!” We got the biggest tree we have ever had and it was gorgeous! I did get a little worried b/c Elijah liked to take the ornaments off, but it survived

I really love our house at Christmas. It is so fun decorating especially now that Elijah is getting more involved.

Of course it was Xa’s 1st Christmas!! He won’t remember much, but he was surrounded by love. We spent Christmas Eve at home and Christmas Day at Marmee and Papa’s.

He wasn’t a huge fan of his hat but it was past his bedtime.

Last year, my sister Patti made me this AMAZING Advent calendar and this year Elijah got to help add the numbers every day. He LOVED it! Every morning we would go downstairs, turn on the Christmas tree and then, “Mama, do numbers!”

This is Elijah’s new castle! It was his big present that turned out to be much bigger than I had thought! He absolutely LOVES it! It was a magical morning!

I love this one! My Mamaw got to hold Xavier all Christmas morning at my parents. He loved being held the whole time and she loved having him all to herself I am so blessed to have my grandmother in our life! The next day, Elijah got some special time w/ his Mamaw that included special treats..special red velvet treats!

We didn’t miss our family tradition of going to the Opryland Hotel to see the beautiful lights and decorations. Elijah, of course, was transfixed and we went w/ dear friends who are moving, so it was a sweet, special evening.

So it was a merry Christmas for us! Hope yours was too!

Elijah

~SUPER busy!! He is 2 after all

~talking like a little person now, almost always in complete sentences

~still LOVES music. He sings, dances, and makes up his own songs.

~still won’t touch a vegetable to save his life! We have to be sneaky so he gets them.

~is learning stall tactics when it comes to going to bed – “I’m hungry”, “Tubby time?”, “Read the book!”

~LOVES to pass out “huggles”. This I don’t mind at all!

~LOVES playing w/ his cousins, especially Whitaker! They are Thing 1 and Thing 2, Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum, Woody and Buzz They can get into more mischief together, they talk just alike and tussle like brothers. They even have their own way of communicating w/ each other, which can lead to more mischief

At Gentry Farm

~potty training is next! YIKES!!!

Xavier

~growing too fast!

~He is such a people baby! He really wants to be held, or talked to, or played w/ ALL the time!

~LOVES to jump!

~cracks up at his big brother, which is very sweet Elijah can get him laughing so hard he can’t breathe!

~Sleeping so good! Taking 2 naps and going to bed at the same time pretty regularly. That is more an accomplishment for me than him!

~can roll over but sometimes forgets how to roll back

~light up when Chad or I talk to him. I mean super bright!

Up next…Thanksgiving!!!