Today I am distracted. Actually, I feel as though I have been on auto-pilot or in a dense fog for about a month. Could it be that I have given up morning coffee that I have depended on for years in favor of one or two cups a week? Could it be that I have not felt well due to stomach cramps and little sleep? Could it be that subconsciously I am worrying? “Worrying about what?”, you say. Worrying about everything. Taking the right vitamins, lactose intolerance, not getting enough exercise, not having a job, watching too much TV, spending too much money, high gas prices, not having a job, not spending enough quality time w/ the Lord
I think that last one is it. While I am NOT busy, I am also not pausing to listen to the Lord. I think that I have made a lot of my self-worth come from how productive I am financially. I know where my help comes from. I know that the Lord has ALWAYS provided for me in amazing ways. I have no thoughts or desires to be wealthy, just safe and secure and I have been that. I think that is a distraction in itself. Security. While there is nothing wrong with that, if it overcomes all other desires, it becomes an idol.
Right now I am trying desperately to process whether the Lord intends for me to continue to remain jobless (and thus slightly insecure) or if I should be more proactive b/c there is something out there I am meant to do. I want to help support my family, is that so bad?? Or am I just obsessing about being secure?
“Verily, the lust for comfort murders the very passion of the soul and then walks grinning into the funeral.”
This week’s gifts so far:
~Baby J’s kicks and rolls
~Lunch with my grandparents, mom, sisters, nieces, aunt and uncle (even if it was Mexican food for the 3rd day in a row)
~Hearing Audrey laugh her deep belly laugh and sing
~coffee with two of my dearest friends in the same day!!
~eating ice-cream w/ my daddy
~sitting w/ Miss Diane in church
~dinner w/ friends we have missed spending time with
~cherry M&Ms (not sure if I would like them if I wasn’t pregnant)
~finishing a surprisingly good book (The Thirteenth Tale)
~waking up to my sweet, amazing husband