New starts overwhelm me…

and I give up easily. Things that I must do, feed my children, clean my house, meet basic needs for my self and 3 others, I do. But the things I want to do, read, organize, bake bread, volunteer in the community, live more liturgically, try to figure out what my creative outlet is, I give up on. I have grand plans but when the logistics of said plans get complicated, trying to figure out how they fit w/ the must-dos, I quit. It will take too much energy. I will be spending money we don’t have to waste. I will be inconveniencing someone. I will probably fail anyway. So I get overwhelmed and wish I were a better person at planning, scheduling or just being free.

Lately I have been wondering what I have to “give” to my sons. What talents do I have to share w/ them or pass on to them? Chad gives them the gift of music and dreams and athletic talents. I’m not trying to sound pathetic, but I really do not know what I have to give them. Yes, I give them unconditional love and a safe place to be who they are meant to be. But as far real talents, I’m coming up empty right now. What I really DON’T want to pass on to them is my penchant for retreating, quitting, or being overwhelmed so easily.

This is why I don’t make resolutions. If I make them and do not follow through, I feel like a major failure so it is better not to put myself in that situation at all. So I am looking at the new year as an open book of what could be and praying I can find the courage to be a better me.

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