New starts overwhelm me…

and I give up easily. Things that I must do, feed my children, clean my house, meet basic needs for my self and 3 others, I do. But the things I want to do, read, organize, bake bread, volunteer in the community, live more liturgically, try to figure out what my creative outlet is, I give up on. I have grand plans but when the logistics of said plans get complicated, trying to figure out how they fit w/ the must-dos, I quit. It will take too much energy. I will be spending money we don’t have to waste. I will be inconveniencing someone. I will probably fail anyway. So I get overwhelmed and wish I were a better person at planning, scheduling or just being free.

Lately I have been wondering what I have to “give” to my sons. What talents do I have to share w/ them or pass on to them? Chad gives them the gift of music and dreams and athletic talents. I’m not trying to sound pathetic, but I really do not know what I have to give them. Yes, I give them unconditional love and a safe place to be who they are meant to be. But as far real talents, I’m coming up empty right now. What I really DON’T want to pass on to them is my penchant for retreating, quitting, or being overwhelmed so easily.

This is why I don’t make resolutions. If I make them and do not follow through, I feel like a major failure so it is better not to put myself in that situation at all. So I am looking at the new year as an open book of what could be and praying I can find the courage to be a better me.

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3 weeks from today…

I am going to be a mom. Wow. Even though he has been, as Chad puts it “butting around,” inside me for the past 9 months, it still doesn’t seem real. I feel his little feet and knees and elbows and legs constantly pushing up and out. I feel his hiccups on what seems like a daily basis. I can feel him tensing up for a jump or roll and I still don’t believe it is actually going to happen. He has a name, and clothes, and a crib, and books for me to read to him and toys to interest him. And I am soooooo impatient to meet him and yet, still not real.ย 


I went to the dr. today and nothing! He is still in there and no where near coming out to meet me! ๐Ÿ™‚ I was very disappointed. But I don’t think it has sunk in that it will no longer be just Chad and me. I have had my sweet husband all to myself for the past 5 years and now we will have a little person who takes our time and attention. It is a bittersweet thought. We are soooooo excited about Baby J, but I am going to miss my Chad time whenever I want it. ย Just some random thoughts. I am rambling and I am hungry so I go to find a snack. ๐Ÿ™‚